The Question That Changed How I Thought About Wanting Anything Again

I was in a one to one session when I was asked a question I wasn't ready for.

What are you afraid of that might happen if you let yourself want something?

I sat there. Frozen.

For many years, I'd secretly wanted my son back. Knowing I could not.

I didn't want to lose his memory. Even if that meant keeping the pain, and the ache, right alongside it.

That's what I was afraid of. That wanting anything for myself meant letting go of him. Especially as things blur with the years.

Nobody tells you that wanting something while grieving your child looks like a betrayal.

It isn't. But it took me years, and that one question, to actually believe it.

Here are the three truths I found the hard way, the ones I wish someone had handed me back then.

First Truth: You Want Your Child Back

That's the most honest answer there is.

If you sat down right now and someone asked what you want, and the only true answer is "I want my child back," that's not a failure to answer the question. That is the answer. It's complete. It's worthy. It belongs.

Don't rush past it. Don't feel like you need a better, smaller, more manageable answer than that. The biggest want is allowed to just be the biggest want.

Second Truth: There's Often a Smaller Want Underneath

Underneath the want you can't have, there's sometimes another one. Smaller. Quieter. Something that would help you carry what you're carrying.

For some dads it's wanting to laugh again without the guilt showing up right behind it. For others it's wanting to sleep through a single night without waking up feeling like they don't deserve to rest.

If there's something underneath your first answer, you're allowed to notice it. You're allowed to give yourself permission to want it too.

Third Truth: Small Wants Don't Dishonour Big Love

This was the hardest one for me to actually believe, not just hear.

Wanting a quiet morning doesn't mean you love your child less. Wanting to feel steady again doesn't mean you're moving on from them. The two things coexist. They always have. You get to hold both.

I didn't know this the day I was asked that question. I found it out slowly, letter by letter, year by year.

If you're sitting with the same fear I sat with, ask yourself the question that was asked to me.

What are you afraid of that might happen if you let yourself want something?

Let it sit with you for a second before you answer it. There's no wrong answer here. There never was.

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